Non-Geordie Writer

just in case you were wondering...

2011-01-30T22:25:00.007Z

i haven't forgotten this place.

it's unlikely, although not impossible, that one day i'll start updating here regularly again. this was always a blog about writing fiction and the struggle to get published. if i write again, it's likely to be non-fiction, and... writing here about fighting to get something published that i think the world needs but the publishing industry probably doesn't care about? it doesn't seem like something that would fit this blog.

however.

there are a couple of books that i read in the last couple of years that i'd like to review. and there's a post that follows on from this novel racers coffee break post from nearly two years ago that i still do want to write. so, there might be a few posts in the offing, even if that then makes me feel that i can put this blog on permanent hiatus. we shall see.

anyway. just in case you're interested and hadn't realised, the place i mostly blog these days is non geordie mum, where i talk about babyloss and pregnancy post loss (and yeah, i guess you can take that as an announcement; it's the closest you're going to get). but i've also now started a new and private blog. i'm going through CBT at the minute and want to blog about it (as well as my ongoing struggle to get my house clean) but not out in the open. so if you're interested send me an email at burningthepast at gmail dot com and i'll send you an invite so you can read.

hope you're all doing well, and i'm sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. losing a baby and the devastating grief that follows can do that to you. i'm doing better now than i was, but i've been left with depression and anxiety, and that's not fun.

Hiatus

2010-10-02T14:39:00.002+01:00

I thought I'd better make this official.

I used to love writing. I really enjoyed my OU writing courses. I loved being a writer. Creating worlds with words.

But losing my baby at the end of last year has left me entirely devastated. I am currently off work sick again with anxiety and depression - which is basically medical shorthand for 'grief' in my case. I am blogging a lot at nongeordiemum.blogspot.com but have no interest in writing fiction at all.

The urge has been gone for nearly a year and I don't see it coming back anytime soon. If I do start to write again, in the short/medium term it will almost certainly be non fiction, to do with babyloss and subsequent pregnancies.

Right now I can't even imagine that that day might come.

Maybe one day I'll be back to writing here regularly; I hope that that day comes, but it's a very long way off right now. In the meantime, I may post here sporadically, but it won't be regular again.

Thank you for reading and for your support.

2010-08-12T19:37:00.003+01:00

still not really writing, but i wanted to link to this post. a charidee supporting list of names from 1860 to now, and a short story competition about depression to raise awareness. do click through.

if you want to keep up with me i'm blogging mostly at non geordie mum these days and a bit at watching geordie life.

Like Bees To Honey

2010-06-28T21:36:00.003+01:00

my lovely friend caroline smailes has a new book out. it's great. you should read it.

the hive over there on the right (points) is a fun thing to play with. once you've answered some questions you should go order the book.

it's really real

2010-05-23T14:59:00.001+01:00

See that? That's my name over there.

Woo.

i thought you might like to know.

2010-05-22T21:19:00.003+01:00

a) As many of you will know from facebook, my first ever short story is now out! It's in the Woman's Weekly Fiction Special dated 21 May to 2 July, and it's the last story in the mag. I'll post a pic of it here as soon as I i) find my camera and ii) find the camera lead. I received my contributor's copy yesterday and am going to try and pick up a few extras for friends and family abroad who don't want to miss out on all the excitement :)

b) I heard yesterday that I'm a finalist with another (autobiographical) story! I sent a story off in August last year to a Cup of Comfort call for submissions. The deadline was extended a couple of times, and I assumed it was because they hadn't had many submissions - but apparently they got a lot of submissions (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say how many, but put it like this - I've done well to make it to the finals!). There are 63 finalists and 50 spots in the book and I think that if I'm successful I get paid $100, which would be just lovely.

c) If you were thinking that maybe all this has woken up my writing mojo, just a little, then you would be right. I haven't actually done any more writing yet, but I'm getting closer and closer.

oh, and:

PS I sent a story to People's Friend at the beginning of July last year. I've never heard anything. Should I chase it up?

2010-05-13T23:29:00.002+01:00

*ssssh* - don't tell anyone, i don't want to scare this tiny urge away -

but -

i think i might be feeling the urge to start writing again. just a little.

2010-05-01T19:29:00.003+01:00

there used to be a girl who wrote.

she wrote when she was six years old.

she wrote stories on and off all down the years.

she did a writing course. then another. then another.

she started to dream. that she was good at this.

---

that was then.

this is now.

---

now she opens her netbook and nothing happens.

---

all her dreams seem very far away right now.

* * *

it might be a while before i have anything to share here again.

2010-04-02T23:33:00.002+01:00

a friend of mine wrote a poem*. it's absolutely lovely. you should all go read it.

*in fact, she wrote quite a few. once you've read that one, you should go read some more.

update

2010-03-26T16:41:00.002Z

Is anyone still reading?

The only thing I've been writing for a long time now is my other blog. I was starting to get stressed about that, so I decided to give myself until the end of March off completely. I hope to start writing again at the beginning of April. I do miss it, but have been glad to have the space and the freedom from guilt. Of course, I feel pretty awful about my writers' groups - I haven't even popped in for a long long time. I hope they'll still want me when I start again....

For the minute, though, I got my first cheque. Proof that I really can do this.

The lovely Cally suggested in the comments that I buy something special with my earnings. I want to do that but I'm not sure what! I was originally thinking something to do with writing, but Cally said she bought jewellery with her first earnings and then I thought that might be nice, something I can wear. I want it to be something I can keep forever.

Any ideas or suggestions?

Writing. Talent. Success.

2010-02-11T21:50:00.005Z

The first thing I remember writing is a story about aliens. I think I was about seven. It was in a blue exercise book. I think I wrote something along the lines of 'Danger, Keep Out' on the outside. I intended it to be a novel.

I don't think I got more than three pages in.

---

The first time I sent a story off for publication, I think I was about 16 or 17. Half my life ago. I wrote a story - quite a feminist one for the time - and sent it off to a magazine. I think it was More! magazine, maybe? Maybe Just Seventeen? One of the mags for teenage girls at the time (and only the one) had one story at the end, just a five minute fiction kind of thing. Anyway, I sent it off, and a while later it came back. The fiction editor had scribbled an incredibly encouraging message on it - telling me that although it wasn't quite right for their mag (... I suspect now that as it had a 'don't wax your legs if you don't want to' message it was just not right for their advertisers) that it had made her laugh and she thought I should send it somewhere else. But where else was there for short stories for teenage girls at that time? I put it away (I'm sure I still have it somewhere; I wish I knew where) and gave up for the minute.

---

2007. My dad started an Open University course. He really enjoyed it. He suggested I look at the short courses. 'Start Writing Fiction' jumped out at me. He offered to pay for a short course. I wondered if I really had what it takes. To be a writer.

I thought that 12 weeks wasn't too much of a commitment to start out with. To find out if I had it in me.

---

When I was in Guides I did a badge. The Writer badge maybe? There were two of us doing it. I wrote a story heavily influenced by my love of the Famous Five, the Secret Seven, the Chalet School, and by a bonfire night party I had recently attended. I scribbled it into a reporter's notepad on both sides of the page. I didn't redraft. Its title was 'Stop! Danger!'

I was really embarrassed when I saw the story the other girl had come with. It was neatly typed. Mine looked scruffy and awful in comparison.

I was amazed when I got the story back from the woman they got in to mark it.

'You have considerable talent, and obviously as you grow older, your work will continue to improve, to mature, to increase in depth.'

Of course, she also told me to beware using big words just for the sake of it (still good advice), but that didn't stick in my memory quite so well.

I look at the story now (I just realised one page is missing; I can't believe it) and wonder what on earth she saw in it. I would think that she was just being encouraging, but she didn't rave about the other girl's story.

The other girl wasn't very impressed.

I wonder sometimes whether my dream of writing would have stuck if it wasn't for these words.

---

A friend in work showed me her son's story that he had written for school a year or so back. It was full of all the mistakes you make when you're twelve or so, but it made me smile. It showed promise. I made a few notes about little things he could do to make it better and told my friend to tell him it was really good.

Now he wants to be a writer. Even though I've got her to warn him there's no money in it. Apparently he's OK with that.

---

A little while ago I asked about two stories that I'd had 'out there' since July. And the response was that it was a promising sign.

Yesterday, I had a phone call from D. He'd called home at lunch and answered a phone call. Turned out to be a magazine wanting to get in touch with me. About something I'd sent them back in July.

I didn't want to get too excited. It might not be an actual sale. They might be asking for a rewrite or something. Or it might be a mistake.

They told him to tell me they were going to email me. I was in town with my trusty netbook, so I went into Starbucks and got onto the internet. Into my emails. And found an email asking me to get in touch so they could discuss payment.

I called, the minute I got home.

They are going to print my story.

---

I have sent them the electronic version of my story.

I have sent them the invoice. My first invoice.

I am going to be paid, for a story that I have written.

After all these years.

I am a writer.

frustration

2010-02-02T14:59:00.003Z

I've been writing. A lot. Just not fiction.

I've been writing at my other blog. I've been writing in my journal. I've been writing comments at blogs by other people who have lost their babies.

And now, finally, I'm starting to come back to fiction. I'm finally wanting to sit down. Write stories. Lose myself in another world. A world in which there are no lost babies. Just for a little while.

But my mind is blank. There are no ideas.

No. That's not true. There are ideas. There are tiny little sparks, that - in the old days, before I lost my baby - I could (would) have worked into something. There are old stories that still need work. There are people in my head I could craft stories around.

But it all seems pointless when I sit down at the computer, open a document, poise my fingers to write. None of it seems worthwhile. It all seems empty.

It would be OK if I didn't have the urge to write. I could just tell myself to give myself time. That the urge to write has never left me entirely. That sooner or later, I always come back to it.

But I want to write now.

Frustrating.

hiatus

2010-01-12T11:20:00.001Z

i can't do this right now.

i'll be posting photos here and writing about loss here.

back sometime. hopefully.

google stats

2009-12-21T11:08:00.002Z

So, I'm the third result if you google 'people who write at starbucks'.

I'm quite amused by that.

Help?

2009-12-20T10:35:00.002Z

Just curious. After my spate of rejections (five in a week, ouch) in October, I've not heard anything back from anywhere else.

I sent stories to People's Friend and Woman's Weekly in July. Anyone care to speculate about whether not hearing anything is a) a good thing, b) a bad thing or c) a sign that they fell down the back of a filing cabinet never to be found again?

I know I should accept that the My Weekly story that I sent at the beginning of June hasn't been accepted, but I don't want to send it out anywhere quite yet. Just in case. And you never know, maybe the August one will get somewhere....

I never thought I'd say this.

2009-12-12T09:46:00.003Z

But I'm glad I didn't win the Tonto Even More Short Stories competition.

Its publication date is 6th May 2010.

That would have been my due date.

2009-11-26T23:50:00.002Z

I realise that many of you will already know by now but I've had some sad news... see the photo site for more details.

I can't believe I never announced it here. I thought I had plenty of time. It's hard to realise how fragile life can be.

(cross posted on watching geordie life)

2009-11-08T22:09:00.001Z

Beth is AAAARGH!!!!

That is all.

(No, it's not going well. How could you tell?!)

skulking behind the starting line

2009-11-01T12:44:00.002Z

... oh God. I've been so impatient for this day. But now it's here, I'm terrified to start.

Still, I have the names of my four characters, the initial situation, and somehow more motivation than I've had at the start of any other Novel Writing Month - I don't believe I'll win (I never have done before), and that's somehow reassuring.

Time to get my head down and start typing.

Update 2.30pm
I FINALLY started just now. Only for D to call me 84 words in to ask if I wanted anything from Asda. Oh well, at least I've finally got going.....!

National Novel Writing Month

2009-10-18T15:06:00.003+01:00

Oh God. I've signed up for NaNo. What the hell am I thinking?!

User name is geordiewatcher if anyone else is doing it this year.

The daft thing is, now I can't wait to start. Even though I have NO free time.

I've never got further than 12k. This year I'm shooting for 20k. I'd like to win, but hey. I'm realistic.

Truth and fiction

2009-10-17T10:59:00.007+01:00

I found this article by Lionel Shriver fascinating - especially following all the recent controversy over Julie Myerson.

I think We Need to talk about Kevin is a fantastic book. Disturbing as hell, but fantastic. I enjoyed The Post-Birthday World but not as much. But I do now really want to read A Perfectly Good Family, if only to explore how Shriver has written about - shock, horror - her own family.

'Text trumps truth – and especially in families there are many conflicting versions of "the truth". Writing is an imposition on reality, sometimes a brutal one. Family members who have been ruthlessly hijacked as characters have no means of redress, no outlet for their own story, no forum in which to proclaim to the same public, "But I'm not really like that!" or "That's a lie, she made all that up!"
'Fiction, too, is a kind of cheating. All the disguise I threw in may have protected me in professional and legal terms, but it didn't protect my family's feelings. Yet I could always claim "it's only fiction". In refashioning the moist, pliable clay of reality into the fired ceramic of a published novel, I could distort whatever I wished, leave out anything that didn't suit my purposes, and invent scenes that never happened, which to my subjects must have been infuriating.'

(quoted from here)

I can imagine how they found that infuriating. I'm not surprised it's left permanent rifts.

This is something that really does resonate for me. I read The Lost Child and found it utterly heartbreaking; absolutely absorbing. I can understand why her son was so angry; I can understand why she needed to publish it. How she believed it would help other parents - and I believe that there's a chance that it did.

I should confess that I have a vested interest in all this. A series of events that have happened in my life have really made me want to ditch all my novel plans (and I have a lot of plans for different novels) and write something based on a scenario very close to something that's been going on in the personal life of people close to me recently. Taking fictional characters and putting them into the situation in question. Seeing how it plays out.

That's not something I usually do. I normally stick to entirely fictional scenarios, entirely fictional characters. Occasionally I will take a trigger from a real-life event and base a different scenario on it, use entirely different characters - but that's about it.

(Interestingly I just went back to my list of ten stories I've sent out. Discounting the one that specifically asks for a true story - which involves only my husband whose permission I sought before submitting it - three (or four) have kernels of truth. One took an tiny incident with a friend when I was a student (forgetting her swimming costume when we went swimming) and turned it into a monologue by a 50 year old woman; I'd be surprised if the girl in question recognised that she was the inspiration. One took an anecdote my mum related to me in a card and wove a story round it. The third took a tiny incident and put two people in a different situation, in which what happened made the main character realise that things weren't quite right.)

There's also a fourth. But that takes one thing that didn't really happen (I thought I saw an ex in a bar; it turned out to be someone else) and put it together with a scenario that did (in which I met up with an ex and nearly kissed him, even though I had a boyfriend at the time). (Incidentally, I ended up dumping the boyf and marrying the ex. We've been together for nine years, married for five, so although I still feel bad about nearly cheating, I don't feel too awful.)

For those who write - do you ever base your characters on real people? Real scenarios? Would you tell those in question? Would you defend yourself?

Would you write about an actual scenario taken from real life? Even heavily disguised?

Would it make any difference if you could be described as the injured party in this situation?

Why Starbucks is the place to write*

2009-10-12T18:58:00.004+01:00

*for me, at least.

DJ mentioned in the comments on my last post that she didn't understand why so many people write in Starbucks. I can only speak for myself - but I write really well in Starbucks. I only wish I had the time and money to spend hours each day in there.

For me, it's a great place to write because it's away from home. If I'm sitting at my computer, I'm aware that the washing up needs doing. (Even though it's nowhere near my line of vision.) I remember that there's clothes in the linen basket. I think about D's been bugging me to watch all the programmes that are backed up on Sky + (three Derren Brown 'Events' and The Secret Life of Twins currently) and think I could get through my ironing while watching them. I'll start working out how long it is since the bathroom was last cleaned and decide it can't wait a moment longer.

I can get through all these things and make myself write. But it's soooooooo much easier to be away from all that. Not to have to worry about it. I don't sit in the middle; I have nooks and crannies that I sit in so I don't sit and people-watch - although I'm not prone to do that even when I do have to sit in the middle of things. I'm more likely to get annoyed if people have interesting conversations that distract me :)

Thinking about it, I get more distracted by reading writing magazines than anything else. I convince myself that because it's about writing, it's still work. Which isn't strictly true.

And they have plug sockets for my netbook!

The only thing that would make it better is if I could get myself another coffee without packing up, going to buy one and starting all over again. Ideas to help that welcome!

I do love my Wednesday afternoons in Starbucks. I missed last week because we were on leave, and I'll miss this week because of my exciting visitor. So by the time next Wednesday rolls around, I'll be so excited I can't even tell you.

I've also been on a detox, so I haven't had a coffee for ages. It'll taste REALLY good by then :)

Still going

2009-10-11T17:43:00.006+01:00

Been in Starbucks this afternoon. Editing one story, starting to write another, glancing through a couple of writing magazines to get inspired without letting time leak away reading every single word. This week it'll be hard to keep going - I have a very lovely friend visiting for a couple of days who I haven't seen in eight years - but I'll find gaps to write in. I WILL.

Oh, and Fiona Robyn will be blogging her next book from March 2010. She's asking bloggers to get the word out, so do visit her blog and let her know if you'll help spread the word.

Even More Tonto Short Stories

2009-10-11T12:12:00.004+01:00

So. Now I've got over five rejections in five days, I'm feeling able to say CONGRATULATIONS to all those who made it into the Tonto anthology. And that I'm sure that Stu and Caroline have worked to make this a bloody wonderful book. I'm absolutely certain that any book containing Fiona Robyn, Nik Jones and Cathy Walter will be well worth a read - and I'm certain that the rest of the authors will be of an equally high standard.

And just for the record, I think Caroline is being far too hard on herself. Rejection is part of this game of writing, and without it all we will do is stagnate. Without rejection, why should we work to polish our writing, to make it as good as it can possibly be? Without rejection, why should we want to keep stretching ourselves, to keep learning, to see how we can improve?

Without rejection - what is the point?

Yes, I was upset not to be included. The word 'devastated' may have been used. But I know now that I'm not there yet. That I need to be better. That I need to keep working, to keep honing my craft. Caroline has raised the game for me. I need to respond, and to keep at it until I'm successful. And then I need to do it all again.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be off. I have stories to reread and revise and find new homes for....

not wallowing in anything

2009-10-09T19:24:00.002+01:00

Beth is currently telling herself that just because 50% of her stories that she'd sent out have come back as 'no's in the past week doesn't mean that she should give up on this whole career. Don't you have to have, like a million before you even get any raised eyebrows?

Oh well. Onwards and upwards, eh?

No real posts since July?

2009-10-06T14:58:00.004+01:00

Wow. That's awful. Sorry about that, people. (People? Is there anyone still out there??? You guys....?!)

So. Not much has been happening, I suppose, which explains the lack of posts. I haven't been writing very much - but I hope you'll all excuse that. The rate I was working at before was insane, and I knew I couldn't keep it up forever. I just didn't realise I would entirely crash - I'd hoped I would just slow down.

The one big thing that happened in August was that I got my results for A363, my Advanced Creative Writing course. I got a Grade 2 pass - the equivalent of 2.1.

I know it's a good mark, and I knew it was all I could expect, given my marks up to that point, but I was horrendously disappointed.

But. I know that I didn't put my heart and soul into it. And I know I didn't put my heart and soul into A215, and I did get a distinction for that. And I think that that set up false expectations for me, of how hard I needed to work to do well. It actually makes me wish I'd only got a Grade 2 pass for A215, so I would have known how much harder I needed to work, but hey ho. Nothing I can do about that now.

So now I'm OK about that, really. The urge to write is starting to come back, and this morning I got some news which really spurred me on. I heard that my story didn't win the Story Tyne competition.

You'd think that might depress me, not spur me on. And in truth, it has depressed me. There are two other competitions I'll hear about this week if successful (Tonto, and, umm, the Bridport. I realise it's a one in a million shot, but you've got to be innit to winnit, haven't you?). And... when I opened the letter this morning my gut reaction is that actually, I'm not going to get anywhere with those two competitions either. But! That spurred me on, somehow, to think that I need to get the Story Tyne competition out somewhere else. That I need to find some others to enter. I opened the copy of Mslexia that turned up, what, a week or ten days ago now? And I found some more competitions. And I'm going to WRITE.

So. I'll be around a lot more.

How are you all? Hope everything's well?

Edited to add - oh. The winners of the Manchester fiction prize were notified on Thursday last week. So that's another story that needs to find a home.

*picks self up, brushes self off*

2009-08-23T20:59:00.003+01:00

I'm still alive!
Honest.
Back soon.
(wow, no posts in august? that's awful. i've now got ten stories out in the ether. keep fingers crossed for me?)

Also, I thought some of you might be interested in this (specifically the Durham festival bit) if you haven't already seen it (or, indeed, even if you have!)

TONTO COMPETITION

2009-07-27T22:14:00.002+01:00

TONTO HAVE EXTENDED THE DEADLINE ON THEIR SHORT STORY COMPETITION.

Which is great. I can submit one story now, then finish the other one that I just didn't dream up* early enough. Yay! Thanks Tonto.

* Quite literally. I woke up yesterday morning having had a very vivid dream that provoked the story. But it's taken too long to write to submit tonight.

Another group

2009-07-25T14:00:00.003+01:00

I went to another writers' group today. (Because all these just aren't enough. *cough*)

Stephen Shieber told me about the group a few months ago, but it meets on the last Saturday of the month and I've been away at the end of each month since. (Incidentally if you haven't read his collection of short stories then I think you should.)

Anyway, it was really good. If you're based in or around Newcastle and looking for a group, then leave a comment!

Writing Groups

2009-07-21T09:04:00.005+01:00

I thought it might be interesting to compare writing groups. I'm now a member of various different groups:

The Silverlink Writing Group. This runs at Borders. I wasn't overly keen on it at first but am enjoying it now.
The White Elephant Writers' Group (aka WEWG). This grew out of my tutor group for A363, the Open University's Advanced Creative Writing Course. We have a blog if you are interested! It's only just started so I'm not sure how useful it will be to outsiders - yet...
There is also a forum for the WEWG. This includes both those who meet up once a month and various other people who live too far away to meet or can't get to the meetings for various reasons.
Get It Write Group. This is a closed online group set up by Mandy which is going really well.
The Novel Racers. Most of my readers will be familiar with the Novel Racers, but for those who aren't, it started out as a good natured race to be the first to finish a first draft/rewrite/complete finished work, but has grown into a supportive network of writers who discuss pertinent topics on a Friday morning (and throughout the week!).

I get something out of all of these groups - or else I would leave. But the most valuable ones to me (at present) are the Get It Write group - as that offers feedback on my writing and the opportunity to hone my critiquing skills - and the WEWG - as that offers me the chance to sit down and just chat with other writers about the wonderful/frustrating (delete as appropriate) thing we do called writing.

But then I love the novel racers because of the camaraderie and enthusiasm, and because between all the people that hang out there someone will always have an answer for your question. And I love the silverlink group because for whatever reason I write completely different stuff there to what I write elsewhere.

What group(s) are you a member of? What value do you get from them?

grinding halt.

2009-07-09T21:32:00.004+01:00

I'm exhausted. I've finally run out of steam.

The urge is still there - amazingly - but work has gone supernova, as mentioned previously. There are gaps - teeny tiny gaps - but I'm too busy reeling from exhaustion to find the energy to write. White wine is getting me through. That and my rapidly-approaching week off, and the thought of seeing the gorgeous Trent Reznor next Tuesday. And the loveliness of my hubby.

So I suppose there are a few things dragging me through really.

I just wish I still had time to write.

Still. The weekend isn't far away. Or so I keep trying to believe....

2009-07-06T21:49:00.005+01:00

I went to the Silverlink Writing Group at Borders again tonight. It was really good. There were a few new people - it seems to be going from strength to strength. It's funny, though - the stuff I write when I'm here has little or nothing to do with the usual kind of stories I write. In the three previous meetings I've attended I've written two averted suicides (one of which you can read here if you want) and one averted involuntary euthanasia; tonight it was a heavily indebted man in fear of his safety and then an Asian woman being kept prisoner by her parents. Weird, huh?

Ruth Henderson was the star turn tonight and, like the last time I met her, she was inspirational and challenging. She didn't pull any punches about the fact that it's hard work, this writing malarkey; but she also encouraged us all to get our work out there. To enter competitions, to send our work to magazines. To be in writers' groups, to swap critiques. To really do it. (And also to make sure that if you send your work to a themed competition to make sure that the theme appears - apparently if you send your story about boats to a competition about butterflies without a single mention of them, you won't get very far! This, apparently, is not as obvious as it should be.)

I bought a copy of her book on the strength of one thing she said about it that made me tear up. I can't wait to read it.

I've gone off the boil a little since this. But I'm still working. I posted off one story today to Take A Break Fiction Feast; another will go off tomorrow to People's Friend; hopefully another on Wednesday to Woman's Weekly. I'm entering the Tonto Short Story competition, Story Tyne, hopefully even this. Oh and I don't think I mentioned that I sent a story to the Bridport Prize did I? So that's three 'out there' currently (including the My Weekly story previously mentioned), hopefully five by Wednesday. Which reminds me that I need to start keeping better records. Um, any records.

Oh. And I read this. And this. Loved 'em both. Highly recommended. I plan to do proper reviews for them, but I've not actually done any since the middle of last year and really owe Caroline a review of Black Boxes (which made me sob and sob and sob on Platform 5 of York Station) before anything else.

And did I mention that my house is a mess? And that work is going supernova? And that I have to finish everything by the end of the week due to a restructure? And that I'm on leave in a couple of weeks?

I need a month off. Or a secretary. And a cleaner. Any offers?

Salt publishing

2009-06-20T11:41:00.006+01:00

Everyone else did this a while ago, so you may have seen this campaign already. But if you've not already bought 'just one book', then please do consider doing it now. The 'just one book' campaign has raised £24,000 already - but to survive they need to raise a further £31,000.

That's quite a lot of books.

To help, Salt are offering a third off all books until the end of June.

There is now a huge 33% off ALL books in our stores till 30th June. Use the coupon code G3SRT453 when in the checkout to benefit.

I haven't bought a book yet. And I really shouldn't. But I'm going to have a look, see if I can find a book for a birthday present for someone. It doesn't count if it's not for me, right??

the problem...

2009-06-18T20:16:00.003+01:00

with things going great is that there's not so much to write about.

I've got into a routine. I write at lunchtimes when I can. On my half days off I go to Starbucks and write. I'm joining groups of writers left right and centre. The Borders Group; The White Elephant Writers' Group (largely made up of my A363 tutor group); a new online group, Get It Write (members only so not linked - sorry!); and Stephen Shieber mentioned one that meets at the Lit and Phil that I'd like to try out. I'm posting my daily totals over at One Hundred Words a Day. I'm considering where the stories I've written over the last couple of years will fit best. Hell, I'm getting out of bed at midnight when I can't sleep and writing 1000+ words targeted at a specific market. (That one might only have been last night. But still.)

I'm under no illusion that this is going to last forever. But it feels really, really good.

weird

2009-06-14T22:33:00.003+01:00

Here's something I wrote a long, long time ago. Turns out that really was the end of the friendship. It felt good to have an outlet for the pain. Part of me is amazed the site's still going (and seems to have archives ad infinitum), but part of me isn't.

ideas, coming out of my ears

2009-06-11T01:44:00.004+01:00

This is insane.

I went to bed just after 11pm, after sketching out the details of a story I want to write (inspired by a sudden, random thought of fried onions, which led to a sudden burst of story in my head. If anyone else randomly comes up with an entire story outline at the mention of fried onions, please do let me know so we can compare notes!).

12.20am I gave up and made a note in my mobile phone of an article I want to try writing. Put my phone down again, tried to sleep.

About 20 minutes later I gave up. These ideas aren't going to let me sleep until I've noted them down. So here I am.

I don't know what's happened to me. I've always struggled with motivation. With the sitting down and DOING it part. Much as I might love writing, email/blogs/bejewelled/Lost/24/the book I'm reading/the washing up/the clearing up/research (the worst distraction, because it's also an absolute necessity - life likes to laugh at me!) always seem more important at any given moment. Various things help me concentrate - working on my laptop in the spare room instead of the desktop in the living room; LeechBlock, the greatest Firefox addon EVER, working in Starbucks where my netbook won't connect to the internet (if there's a fix, don't tell me - I'd rather not know). But right now, I'm half-resenting every single moment that I can't just sit down and do it. Going out for tea tomorrow night for instance - I'm looking forward to seeing my friends, and hell I organised it, but - part of me just wants to sit home and write, instead. Even though I know full well that getting out and seeing people is necessary, that I need human interaction and not to work 24/7.

I don't think it's just that the course has finished, either. This did NOT happen after the last course.

I don't know if it's that I've settled into a routine. I work compressed hours, and I have half a day off per week. I've started spending that half day sitting in Starbucks. Writing. Committing two hours, at least. And now - suddenly - that two hours is multiplying. Breeding with all my other spare hours. Stealing me away from housework, from going on the internet at lunch in work.

It's great. But funny, because before when I've been overflowing with ideas like this, I've been panicky. Wondering how the hell I can fit everything in. But this time - it's OK. The ideas that shout the loudest will get written. The rest, I'll make some notes. Maybe in one of the lean times, when ideas seem few and far between, they'll get written. Or spark some other ideas in me. Whatever works.

Today I wrote a list of all the stories I'm nearly finished with, all the stories that need more substantial rewriting and editing. Of all the stories I need to finish, and the ones that are percolating in my head but haven't made it onto paper or the screen yet. I made notes about when I'll submit the first lot by. Where to aim nearly all of them to (some I need to think about further first).

And then tonight, lying in bed, I suddenly thought of two non-fiction articles I want to write. And here I am. I'll make some notes, then I'll go back to bed.

Hopefully I'll sleep. So that in the holes of tomorrow, between working and going out with friends and going to bed, I'll be able to sneak in some writing.

one hundred words

2009-06-04T18:36:00.001+01:00

is anyone still hanging out at the one hundred words a day blog? i'm suddenly all enthusiastic again but noone else seems to have been there in a while.

i did it.

2009-06-03T23:15:00.002+01:00

submitted one story to My Weekly. I think it's a long shot - but it fits one of their categories perfectly. i'll be thrilled if it's accepted, but don't think it will be. still - you've got to be in it to win it.

hoping to submit one or two more tomorrow.

this week

2009-06-03T17:20:00.002+01:00

monday i edited a story at lunch and went to the borders writing group in the evening for the first time since, like september.

tuesday i worked on a story at lunch.

today i worked in starbucks in town for over two hours.

i'm going to send one, possibly two, stories off to possible markets by the end of the week.

i am loving this.

It's done.

2009-05-20T02:22:00.002+01:00

The course. My last assignment is printing. On my brand new printer that I bought tonight, to circumvent printer issues and tears at bed time. So far - well worth the money.

This means that regular blog posts will be returning soon. Once I've slept forever, watched an entire sky-plussed season of 24 (over the bank holiday weekend is the plan), drank a LOT of wine, tidied the house which is currently... a mess. Been to a party.

You know. The usual.

For now, I'm printing. I think I should get about three hours' sleep before I have to get up for work. Ah well - at one point tonight I didn't think I was going to get any.

Keeping going

2009-05-06T20:44:00.000+01:00

Today didn't go exactly as planned. But I did sit in Starbucks with a coffee for a few hours, and wrote 700 or so words background to discover where the next part of my story lies. I think it worked.

Back to work now, to get it actually written.

I'm still not working as hard as I feel I should be. But at least I'm working at all.

Awake

2009-05-04T21:55:00.003+01:00

I woke up at 6.30am. A little too early for a Bank Holiday.

I tried to go back to sleep. But for a second when I woke up, I'd forgotten that it was still, in effect, the weekend. And my brain had woken up.

And it had words in it.

New words. Words that are nothing I've thought about before. Words that have come from the ether, I think. They certainly bear no relation to anything I've been working on or thinking about (and believe me, I have enough ideas going round my brain to keep me going til Doomsday).

I gave up. Got out of bed. Fired up the laptop. Wrote 500 words or so.

Faffed on facebook and the daily photo site.

Switched the laptop off again. Went back to bed.

Couldn't sleep.

Got up again. Tidied up a bit.

I am starting to get my productive back. I sorted out some of the paperwork mentioned earlier. (It feels good.) Then I wrote about two thirds of another story that came to me in nearly complete format when a friend texted me back in March to tell me her wedding date was set.

I found my list of stories I want to work on, and ideas I want to come back to in the future. Many of them are now crying out to be told right now. Oh god... if only i didn't have to work full time. If only I could sit and work at them. But we all know how it works, right? With unlimited time, nothing much gets done.

The main problem is - all that work, and none of it on the OU assignment. That I have to send off in (gulp) 2 weeks 2 days.

I need to knuckle down. Still at least the muse is around, right? I just need to kick his/her arse in the right direction.

commitment update

2009-04-29T21:29:00.002+01:00

i did my writing - kind of. i worked on my last course assignment for about 30 minutes. not much writing done, as i needed to refresh my memory on what i had done so far... ignoring it for a month hasn't really been a great idea. (Jen, feel free to slap me after the panic you pulled me through last time.)

i did not sort out my paperwork. i'll do it over the weekend as tomorrow i'm out at a friend's house.

i did do about 20 minutes ironing though. which was about as much fun as sorting paperwork.

thanks for all keeping me honest. now, i'm off to bed (i never go to bed this early, be impressed) as i haven't been sleeping well and am dizzy and knackered.

next commitment: 25 minutes on friday. not sure when yet as am going out for lunch, have afternoon off, but then have docs appointment. will do it before docs if possible, but after if the timings don't work out.

a commitment.

2009-04-28T23:13:00.001+01:00

when i get home from work tomorrow, i will have lunch - and then i will write for 20 minutes before i do ANYTHING else.

i will then give myself five minutes to have a break. and then i will spend 20 minutes sorting out the mess that is my paperwork. before doing ANYTHING else.

i promise.

the space to write.

2009-04-28T22:12:00.005+01:00

my final assignment can be sent off, at the very very latest, on wed 20th may.

even that is a little riskier than i would like.

d went out to a friend's house tonight. great, i thought. quiet time and space to write.

instead? i washed up. made tea. ate tea; put d's in the fridge for later. washed up some more (there was quite a bit left over from the night before. shush don't tell anyone we're dirty, ok?!) read facebook. sent a friend a message as she sounded miserable. read the blogs and jezebel. did some ironing (note: not all). took the bottom drawer out of the fridge to clean. updated my budget. texted a friend back and forth.

blogged. (but you have to blog if there's an earthquake, right?)

there was an article in mslexia a few years back, about how writers need a wife. and as i was standing doing my ironing, i really started to long for someone who would take one of the jobs off my mind. say the laundry, for the sake of argument. so i didn't have to worry about putting clothes into the washing machine; drying them; ironing them; putting the sods away.

don't get me wrong; d's pretty good. for a man. he's quite clean; totally capable of using the washing machine (he uses a longer cycle and more powder than me which bugs me, but for not having to worry about doing those loads of washing i'm happy to take that hit); washes up without being told; comes and dries up automatically if i'm washing up (i do that sometimes, but i'm happy to let the stuff dry on its own and put it away). and when parents are coming to visit, he cleans the bejesus out of this place while i wander round and say it's ok, they won't mind.

we both work full time. but i want to make a career out of writing. and to do that, i need to put the time in. right?

and to my mind, that means that i get to do less than half of managing the household.

but i'm such a control freak that i can't let go.

he now deals almost exclusively with the car. in theory, at least. but in practice, as i'm used to that kind of thing and he isn't, i either sit with him as he goes through it, or he runs all decisions by me as he's scared of doing something wrong. but that will get better in time, right? right?

i need to let go of some stuff.

i need to talk to him about this, not vent about it on the internet. but i need to get it off my chest, before i talk to him.

for the minute though, i think i need to get some sleep.

i'm not really asking for advice or sympathy, or anything really; i'm just venting. but if anyone would like to share any perspective, please do feel free.

---

In other news, I sent off my entry for this competition today. To be honest - I don't think it was good enough. But everyone keeps saying that Sue Moorcroft's critiques are astoundingly good value, and I couldn't resist. I'm hoping that I'll be able to extract use out of her critique of one piece to improve targetting of the rest of my work - if not my work in general.

I'm really looking forward to the end of my course - not only for the relief of pressure, but also so I have the time and space to look back at all my short stories, revise and edit them and send them off to different markets. They aren't doing me any good sitting on my hard drive, but it's not just a matter of sending them out and hoping for the best. If only.....

self-belief

2009-04-07T21:56:00.004+01:00

Soooo.

I was really disappointed in my mark for my fifth assignment on my OU course. It's put paid to any chance I had of getting a distinction. I was pretty upset when I found out - but you know what? I've got a job. D has a job. My sisters and friends all have jobs. And I'm alive and none of my loved ones have any serious illnesses. And really, that makes me pretty bloody lucky right now.

Having said that, though, I am very disappointed in myself. People keep asking why I don't complain about my mark. Thing is, when I read my tutor's comments - she was right.

The thing that drives me mad is that I don't think I could have seen the problems with it coming. Some of the problems with it were things I thought I'd done well until I read the comments. And I don't know the way around that.

And it makes me very nervous about my last two assignments. I'm scared I'm going to mess those up as well.

I can't help but wish I had this problem. At least it would mean I'd written a book.....

Story Tyne

2009-04-02T21:32:00.005+01:00

I went to the launch of Story Tyne today. (Incidentally, I don't think it's limited to entrants from North Tyneside, so feel free to enter! Um, as long as your story isn't as good as mine. Deadline's not until August.)

Anyway, we heard three stories, two from published local authors and one from the winner of last year's competition, and then there was an opportunity to ask questions. It was really interesting to hear them talk, although everyone went shy at first and the woman from the library actually said thanks and closed the event before everyone suddenly stared talking!

I ended up chatting to Ruth Henderson, who was one of the authors who read a story - not at all what I expected, but an excellent story. She recognised me from the Live Theatre when I went to see 2-4-1 including work from Roz Wyllie (which was, incidentally, excellent - Roz, Ruth said yours was her favourite!) and we discovered we move in slightly overlapping circles so will hopefully bump into each other again. Ruth told me I have to submit some work before next time we meet. She sounded like she meant it.

All in all, I've discovered that there is a lively literary scene in North Tyneside. I knew there was one in Newcastle, but didn't realise it extended out as far as the coast. Val McDermid a week or two back, this event today, and I'm booked on Crime on the Tyne on 17th May - a cruise down the Tyne with Val McDermid and Martyn Waites! I can't, errm, Waites....

All of which is a very longwinded way of saying that on a day when I read this depressing article in the Guardian about the expanding interest in libraries in the recession coinciding with local councils wanting to shut libraries down/cut investment/cut services, it's good to know that North Tyneside and Newcastle seem to really care about their libraries.

Shockingly, I wasn't a member until today. I have remedied that now.

More library events in Newcastle here. And there is due to be a festival in October once the new library is open. I can't wait.

2009-03-29T16:22:00.003+01:00

i have too much to write. and edit. and revise. and submit. and write.

the course has only about 6 weeks left to run. scary. so much pressure on the last assignment; it's 50% of the mark for the course! terrifying. although we do get guidance from our tutor on it.

but instead of concentrating on that... i want to write all the other stories. yes, all of them. all at once.

i can't believe that after being on leave for a week, we're back to work tomorrow. but the extra sunshine is doing me good.

inspiration, coming out of my ears

2009-03-15T22:41:00.002Z

OK, I've had more inspiration going through my brain in the last three or four days than I have in the last three or four months. I'm actually starting to wonder if I really do suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, rather than just joking about it when winter starts and it gets dark and cold.

I have story ideas coming out of my ears, and ideas for markets and competitions to submit them to. And I fully intend to do so.

Now if only I had more free time. But tomorrow night I'm going to the second meeting of the White Elephant Writers' Group, and on Thursday I'm going to see my fave author, Val McDermid speak at North Shields library (tickets £2 including a free glass of wine - how bargainous is that?!)

Maybe I could give up sleeping for some extra writing time. I am so jealous of people who only need 5-6 hours a night. But then, one of my sisters needs 9 hours a night or she can't cope with anything. I can cope with 7 but prefer 8. It could always be worse....

It's coming back.... again.

2009-03-11T21:19:00.002Z

I haven't been writing.

I haven't really been doing my course.

There are reasons. But it feels bad.

And yet, even though the stress is still on - even though the work pressure is as bad as it's been for the last 6 weeks pretty much constantly - even though I don't know when I will ever have time to catch up with myself - the writing is coming back.

(I seem to have regular revelations over here. Sometimes I think I must come across as pretty false - I talk about them more than the actual writing. But, you know what? They are things I need to work out for myself. And it helps to share them and find out what other people think.)

I think that I'm one of those people for whom writing comes and goes. Sometimes it's something I feel antsy if I don't get to do. But sometimes there is so much else going on that I just don't have any energy for creation. And I need to be OK with that.

What about you? Do you need to write every day a la Stephen King, or do you have on times and off times?

stuff

2009-02-02T06:38:00.002Z

I feel like I'm living in a soap opera. The more bizarre things keep happening to my friends and family. D went to a friend's house to watch the Superbowl last night (his team won so he's very happy) but he got home at 5am (waking me up by opening the front door) and told me something that should have been the most unbelieveably ridiculous news ever, but that he'd actually guessed a couple of days before.

I never dreamed for a second it was true when he said what he suspected.

And of course, all these ridiculous things are crying out to be written about, but it would be far too exploitative of the people involved to do it - even using the situation with different people. It would just be too wrong.

I'm getting really frustrated with myself. I have words swirling round my mind, and no time to sit and write them.

It's snowed outside, really thick; they're saying not to travel unless it's essential - but does going to work count as essential?

I wish I'd had more sleep.

I'm back baby back!

2009-01-04T12:07:00.004Z

I know. I didn't say I was going anywhere. And I wasn't, really. (Well I've been to visit my parents over Christmas, but that was only for a weekend.)

But my writing mojo entirely disappeared. Along with every other mojo I've ever had. The running one disappeared straight after the October 07 Great North Run - I've been trying to force it back, but that's backfired every single time. The financial mojo disappeared last April, around the time that we bought a car (not directly connected but I'm sure there was an indirect connection). The filing and shredding mojos haven't been around for many months - or maybe more accurately, they get used up in work.

We were off, though, the week running up to Christmas. And on the first Saturday I picked up a running magazine with the intention of ripping out any articles that might be interesting and chucking the mag itself. (I know this is a writing blog and I talk about running over here but bear with me.) But I ended up reading it and remembering how much I enjoy running. And I went out the next day and have been going out regularly ever since.

I heard a little while ago that I'm off the waiting list and onto novel racers for real. And due to not having written anything for ages and being weeks behind on the course, I wasn't as excited as I'd expected to be.

But after I started running again - only short runs, not pushing myself yet - I started to do the filing in the house. I started to shred the incredibly large shredding pile. I started to work through the 'to do' pile that that migrated into a 'to do' bag. And I started really making dents in these things.

And yesterday I took my favourite christmas pressie to Starbucks and wrote 374 words of my novel - amongst other things.

And I really enjoyed it.

I'd started to worry when everything else happened first. But I should've had faith. I should have known that the writing mojo would return when it was ready. When I'd given myself some space. When I'd had a break from all the things that have kept happening, not giving me time to breathe.

2008 was a struggle. A real struggle. Nothing came easily and there was so much stress - even the good things were stressful.

I'm looking forward to 2009. I'm hoping to take more control over what goes on. To take a break when I need it.

And to write more. And to be a proper Novel Racer.

I'm really, really happy about it.

writing and insanity.

2008-12-02T22:12:00.003Z

I was talking to Y in work today about writing.
'Must be fun,' she said. 'I know it's work, but it must be fun when you just sit there and it all comes out, just from your head.'

And it got me thinking.

Writing is the best when it works. When the words fall out of your brain and it just all goes smoothly. When you read back your story at the end and you sit there open-mouthed, wondering where on earth it all came from.

But even when it has come out all clumpy and thick and wrong, you can go back over. You can work and polish until the story is beautiful and the characters are believable and you care about who they are and why they do what they do and... you can make it work.

I was thinking about the story I wrote for TMA1. Those people don't really exist. I made them up. I started out thinking about getting married, about changing names and the different opinions and choices. And the next thing I knew there was a story emerging, a story about a couple with very different viewpoints, and how they could resolve what they wanted so they were both happy.

They don't exist. But I can hear their voices in my head. I can see them... although some are clearer than others. I can understand why they think the way they do, and my heart aches for them.

Just now, I wrote a monologue for a half-baked character called Jim who I dreamed up for an A363 exercise (5.2/5.3, for anyone who's keeping track; yes, I'm very behind) and discovered that another character is his sister (I thought they were unrelated); that his sister is gay; that he either doesn't know it or won't admit it to himself; and that their parents died suddenly a few years back in a car crash. These aren't things I decided; these are just things that I suddenly realised are true as I was typing.

Sometimes I think that if you're a writer, you can't be cursed with too much sanity.

So excited.

2008-11-26T20:29:00.003Z

Sorry about neglecting this place recently. There's been a lot going on in my life and none of it had anything to do with writing. I'm hoping to catch up soon, not least because I got Della Galton's How to Write and Sell Short Stories which is great and very inspiring.

But that's not why I'm here right now. I'm here because I read this just before. 9987 by Nik Jones is available NOW from the Tonto bookshop. I can't wait to read it.

It's back.

2008-11-12T18:46:00.003Z

And not in a good way.

Yeah, that story I submitted has taken less than four weeks to come back. I can't help thinking that's a bad sign. If it'd been close, wouldn't it have taken longer to be returned?

Oh well. Back to NaNo.

(Updated to add: I did have some potentially good news today, but... that's just a maybe, and it's nothing to do with writing. I don't know what to feel, right now)

I'm a winner.

2008-11-09T21:30:00.003Z

I won the October competition for the Silverlink Writers' Group!

I nearly died of shock.

It's not the best story I've ever written - and of course now it's up there for all to see, I've spotted all the things I'd like to change and am kind of wincing as I didn't edit it as thoroughly as I could've/should've - but if you'd like to read it, it's here.

(Please ignore the last sentence. It went a bit melodramatic.)

Good and bad

2008-11-06T22:06:00.003Z

The good: I love Stephen King. I've been reading 'On Writing' on and off for ages and last night I finally read a bit that made me fall in love with him: namely that he isn't a huge believer in plotting novels.

I won't try to convince you that I've never plotted any more than I'd try to convince you that I've never told a lie, but I do both as infrequently as possible.

I love him for this, because I don't really do plotting. I have forced myself to do it in the past, but I think I work best, that I come up with my best stories, when I just sit down and type. And I've been thinking this is wrong. And it's so, so reassuring to hear someone as prolific as Stephen King saying this.

The problem is, as the title of this post might have given away, it's not going as well as it might. My NaNo is going incredibly slowly. My course is ground to a complete halt. My youngest sis is visiting this weekend with her boyf, so that will take up nearly the whole of this weekend - so no writing. I've been off work today, and I've written a little - but hardly anything. And it's not that I have a lovely clean kitchen or bathroom to show for it for the visitors. (although I have got ALL the washing done and tested out our lovely new Sky Plus.) I've just compulsively logged into the OU forums every 45 minutes or so to see if that earth-shatteringly good post has turned up that makes everything clear. So far? No. Oh yes and playing Spider Solitaire. I really wish I hadn't got back into that awful habit.

And this is when I get scared that I'm not really a writer. Because if I really was...
wouldn't I take the opportunity of a day of peace and quiet to myself and write?

Sometimes I think I should just unplug my modem and make myself get on with it.

There are things buzzing round my head. But my NaNo main character kinda scares me so I keep writing about the two secondary main characters. But if I want him to come to life I just need to give him his head. Keep writing about him so he can decide what he wants to do. I know where the end is, I just don't know how to get there. And that's what NaNo is all about. I can delete all the crap of getting there on 1st December. But if I don't keep typing, I'll never get there to find out.

I'm good at writing. But I'm scared I'm not cut out for this. Scared that I should choose an easier career.

I can't help but feel I've been here before.

And that, to quote one of my favourite films, I should shit or get off the pot.

TMA1

2008-11-01T21:01:00.004Z

I got it submitted with a whole 33 minutes to spare. Cutting it fine, me?

I was quite pleased with it in the end. Was glad I got the draft finished in time to send to some people; their feedback was most helpful. Ms Skies in particular said nice things about it being potentially sub-able. Once I'd changed the initially-crap-(and-I-knew-it)-but-now-improved ending.

It's good that I still like the story and the characters involved. The second TMA will involve adapting the first for stage, screen or radio. I'm terrified, but kinda looking forward to it.

The commentary was a bugger. Would've been fine if I'd had 600 words instead of 350. In the end it felt like I was using a hacksaw to get rid of enough words to submit. But I did it.

So now onwards and upwards. I'm starting National Novel Writing Month today. I'm GeordieWatcher and I can't figure out how to add people as buddies so please do add me if you're doing it so I can add you back! The story is something that's been going round in my mind for quite a while. I'm quite sick of all the other potential novel ideas, but this one really seems like the right one to be working on. I'm not sure how far I'll get, what with the course and one of my sisters coming to visit next weekend and possibly going to Leeds for Wendy House on the 15th and everything, but we'll see. Even if I don't finish I'll make a good start, and I can keep going as long as it takes to finish.

I really should go and get those words written before it's bedtime.

I'm still alive.

2008-10-30T01:15:00.002Z

Everything is fine; I'm just crazy-hectic-busy with deadlines hitting me left right and centre.

If you're missing your B-fix, you can always pop over to newcastle daily photo. I'm managing to post there six days a week (Cassandra posts on Wednesdays) with the judicious use of the pre-post facility.

Otherwise, I'll be recovering from the TMA (tutor marked assignment)-writing frenzy over the weekend, and posting again from the beginning of next week. Hopefully.

(Cross posted on both blogs)

10:04pm: the time for creativity.

2008-10-22T14:57:00.003+01:00

According to this, anyway. I'm not entirely convinced.

One hundred words a day is looking rather neglected recently. I should remember to post there when I've been writing.

Speaking of writing, I walked past a Mum and Toddlers group sign this morning and it inspired a short story. Another story was recently inspired by a card my mum sent me back in 1996; one of the exercises for A363 was to use a document or letter or similar to look for possible sources of tension. The letter mentioned a relative's sons telling her to go grey gracefully. I think it might be sell-able.

Back to the coursebook and the TMA draft now, though, I think.

Research

2008-10-19T20:43:00.002+01:00

It all seems to be about research at the minute. Firstly Liz asked about it, then it turned out that Week Three of the course is all about the research. All very well, but I found Liz's post and the following comments far more interesting than the whole of the coursebook chapter, which I'm finding incredibly tedious. I want to skip the whole lot. I've been telling myself that it's sometimes the exercises you want to skip that come up with the most interesting results, but... I still want to throw the book out of the window at the minute.

I started the first exercise, only to find out that the first newspaper article I chose for it was impossible to use and the second I couldn't find any of the information I needed. If when I google I can't even find pointers to where the information I need might be found in hard copy, I'm not interested. (Gun policy in police forces in the 1950s, if you're interested. Of course now I've said that someone's going turn it up really fast. But I'm not that interested, so please don't hunt it out on my behalf!)

Doesn't that sound awful, though? That if I can't find anything out through google I'm not interested? I console myself with the thought that apparently when Mark Hadden wrote The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, he didn't specifically reseach Asperger's. He had worked with people who had disabilities (I assume he means mental disabilities, although he doesn't specify in the passage quoted) but that was all.

Oh well. I'm a research-as-you-go-and-don't-make-too-big-a-meal-of-it kind of writer, it turns out.

I'm going to write a first draft of my TMA now, I think. Will come back to the course tomorrow night.

I think I'm going to be a rather sporadic blogger and commenter over the next fortnight or so, until the TMA is submitted in 12 days or so.

It's gone!

2008-10-17T18:09:00.002+01:00

And not in a bad way; this is not my writing mojo I'm talking about here. The story I've been playing with and putting away and pulling back out and tinkering with has been been posted off. It feels like such a relief. I hope it gets accepted but I'm realistic; I doubt it will but I hope that even if it doesn't it'll be a 'near miss' and I'll get feedback as to how to get closer to a hit. I realise that even that would be VERY impressive, but I'll just have to wait a few months to find out.

Right now I'm on a train to York. I love free WiFi. I'm there overnight to see a friend and I'm really looking forward to it.

Almost as much as I'm looking forward to getting back and doing some more writing!

It's back baby back.

2008-10-13T00:07:00.002+01:00

I spoke to my youngest sister on the phone before. She told me about how her boyfriend's birthday present got send to her old address by mistake and that the people at the the new address had opened it and used one of the things in the parcel. I went to the cinema with D before; I spent the ads and trailers making that into a story. I know the names of the people involved, the backstory. All I need to do now is write it.

Oh yeah. My mojo's back.

Stepping forward

2008-10-11T00:34:00.004+01:00

(You might want to get yourself a cuppa before starting to read this. It's a long one.)

I had a bit of a panic on Tuesday night.

(That’s maybe a bit of an understatement.)v

I had set aside that night to get stuck into the course. I’d been on a course for work during the day ( Mental Health First Aid, highly recommended if you get the chance) so got home from work earlier than usual. Great, I thought. I can get tea ready and get the kitchen sorted, then devote most of the evening to writing. Get an early night if it goes well.

It didn’t go well.

Somewhere around nine thirty, ten o’clock, I became aware I was starting to panic. Because I hadn’t even started to work. To do any writing at all. All I’d done was some email clearout and then aimless facebooking and blog surfing. I posted a message on facebook – B is trying not to panic. Luckily, one of my friends (V) spotted it straight away and asked what was wrong.

I didn’t really know, but the message I sent her trying to explain that was hundreds of words long. And the thing that I started to realise was scaring the life out of me was the thought I didn’t want to admit to.

‘If you really wanted to be a writer you would f-ing WRITE.’

In conversation today, I started to understand why this thought, and why the fear that I’m not really cut out to be a writer, bother me and paralyse me quite so much. Bear with me while I try to explain.

You see, it’s only recently I’ve started to take writing seriously again. It’s been a constant that I’ve come back to again and again since I was about seven years old, but there’s only one other time that I’ve actually tried to take it seriously. That time, I was in the process of making my degree course implode and when I was finally successful I moved back in with my parents to take up a summer job that had already been arranged. So when I went from doing basically nothing at uni to working full time and moving to the other side of the Pennines at the same time, no one was all that surprised when I stopped writing. I suppose hardly anyone knew I was doing it anyway.

All the rest of my life, writing has been my back-up plan. My ‘it doesn’t matter if my life/job is shit; I can always go back to the writing’ thing that I use to reassure myself. I’ve had good feedback on my writing before. I know I can do it. But until the last eighteen months or so, I’ve never actually tested that. Never really sat down and tried to make a career out of it. Never submitted more than a couple of items anywhere; never really had any success.

And now I’m actually trying, I’m terrified of failing. Terrified that really, I can’t do it. That much as I enjoy my day-job and get on really well with my boss, my line manager and most of my colleagues, I really will have to do this job for ever because the writing doesn’t pan out for me. And the idea of being a PA for the next 33 years terrifies me more than anything I can ever explain.

I suppose that, somewhere along the way, I started to think that writing was my only possible respite from admin hell. Why, I don’t know; I’m often the one depressing other authors by telling them quite how little writers actually earn, so I don’t know quite why I think writing will be my means of escape.

But when you start to unpick all that, to see quite how much I’ve subconsciously needed my writing to be my escape from all this, it’s not that surprising that I’ve found it hard to actually sit down and write. Somehow I’ve made writing into my last chance saloon, and convinced myself that if I fail I’ll be poor and in jobs that don’t challenge me for the rest of my life.

And that’s just not true.

My boss has often said that I would be well-suited to a service delivery job where I work, and I think she’s probably right. At the minute, I’m not up for that; it would mean lots of training on top of working full time, and that would not fit in with trying to carve out time to write.

But if I wasn’t trying to carve out time to write? No problem!

And if I wasn’t writing in my spare time? The world would be my oyster. I could go back to the psychology idea I’ve been flirting with since I was 18, do a degree, do anything. I could do a masters after I’ve finished whatever degree I end up with (Psychology? English Lit? English Language?), go into research or academia. I could start a business making jewellery. I could start up an organic coffee place making lovely cakes and sandwiches for veggies and vegans and have the ultimate success, meat eaters telling me my food was lovely. I could start up a business making cakes and chocolates. All ideas I’ve flirted with in the past, and from feedback I’ve had, mostly things I’m pretty damn sure I could make work.

But I want to write, most of all.

So I will write, but I’ll stop making it my be-all and end-all. Stop thinking that if I don’t succeed, that my life will be over. Because it’s not true. And if it turns out that I really am crap – if one day Caroline’s business refunds my money because the work I’ve sent in is so crap it’s beyond hopeless and there’s just nothing they can suggest! – then that’s not the end of my world. There are plenty of other things that I can do, and that I can make a success of. And that I would enjoy.

I feel so much better than I did at the beginning of the week.

Right now, I’m sitting in Starbucks. I have lots of work with me, and I refuse to pay for internet access here when I pay for it at home, so I have nothing to do but just get on with it. I have stories to write, stories to revise, and my coursebook to go through if inspiration fails me entirely! Tomorrow I’m meeting up with some people who were on my last course; I plan to arrive an hour before them so I can work in the mental (if not literal) peace and quiet that being in a coffee shop affords me.

Basically, I need to stop giving myself consequences if I don’t write, to enable myself to write. It’s counterintuitive, which I suppose is why it’s taken so long to realise. But I need to start enjoying myself with writing again.

I feel like I’ve really learned something today.

(I do love South Park)

(posted from home later. I spent my time in Starbucks editing that story I was talking about and one other besides. I'm going to finish that off over the weekend and get them submitted. Now I just have to work out where to submit the second one to! I realise I should have thought of that before now...)

2008-10-09T22:21:00.003+01:00

i've not submitted that story yet. i looked at it again and decided it needed looking at again. and now the course is kicking in, and i already feel behind, and it's only been going five days. off work tomorrow though, so hopefully i'll catch up over the weekend. the first deadline is only three weeks away, already.

for now, though, it's bedtime. i'm exhausted.

2008-10-03T23:49:00.001+01:00

Ideas ideas ideas, and only 24 hours in a day.

I am bad at prioritisation. I need to learn.

Any hints on how to focus, anyone?

A pledge.

2008-10-01T21:45:00.003+01:00

I was talking to the lovely trousers at caroline's signing, about writing and how I am bad at setting myself deadlines and actually sticking to them.

And about how I have short stories, have had them ready for months, and how I haven't sent them off - even though they are ready - even though I know where I am sending them to - even though I want to be published - even though, even though.

So I promised trousers that I would post this on my blog. And he promised that he would come to my blog and harass me if I didn't post myself a deadline and, y'know - meet it. The idea is that once I've got myself in the habit of doing these things, I won't need the external motivation anymore.

So here we go. I'll start small and say that I will do a final polish of the first story and post it to where it's going by the end of the weekend. It's a short deadline, but it should be easy to meet because it's just about done.

If I don't post that I've done this by the end of the weekend, please come along and heckle me? I'd appreciate it. Thanks everyone!

Introduction

2008-10-01T20:19:00.000+01:00

I'm B, sometimes known as Beth, and I blog at watching geordie life as well as posting photographs of Newcastle at Newcastle upon Tyne daily photo.

I've been thinking about setting up a writing blog for a while now, and I think it's time.